Spiders

     Spiders are scary.  They hide in dark places and wait there to bite you.  One time, I saw a video from a hut in Africa about this really aggressive really poisonous spider species that would crawl up broom handles and bite you and then you DIE!  So now I'm afraid to kill spiders with brooms because they will crawl up the handle and bite my face and then I will die even though we don't have this species in Iowa.  At least, they're not native.  A lot of times gigantic jungle spiders hide in bananas and other fruit and they wait, just wait, in the bananas until they get to the grocery store and then they launch themselves at the faces of unsuspecting grocery store people and bite them and then the grocery store people DIE!
    Spiders are also tricksy.  One time, I was staying at Lakeside Lab by Okoboji and a wolf spider the size of a dessert plate lived above the door inside the women's bathroom.  It wedged its nasty body between the limestone rocks and its freak legs splayed out on all around and it waited.  During the day it lurked and snagged flies and mosquitoes but late at night, it waited for unsuspected college girls who had to pee to wander in.  Then it would drop on her face and bite her and SHE WOULD DIE!  No one actually died.  We can only assume that all the girls learned to hold it until morning.
     Even dead spiders are dangerous.  They have spider cooties.  Spider cooties make you sick and give you cancer.  Wash your hands after handling dead spiders.  Or use a vacuum to avoid contact.  NEVER use a vacuum on a live spider.  Vacuums will not kill a spider.  They will lurk inside the vacuum and then crawl out when you go to sleep and bite your face.  The preferred method for killing spider is a pressure sprayer.  Because, unlike broom handles, spider cannot climb water.  If you can't use a pressure sprayer where you are at, kill the spider with short jabs from the broom so hopefully the spider won't be able to climb it.  Remember, you always have the option of screaming and running away.  Screaming will stun the spider so it won't chase you.  It also helps to scream when you kill a spider so it gets stunned and holds still.
*Note:  Regulations allow up to EIGHT spider legs per chocolate bar.  Just don't think about it.  Or try to think of it as added protein
Here are some spider things for your enjoyment
http://www.cracked.com/funny-1934-spiders/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc
**Note:  A kitty just walked by me and I pet the kitty.  This somehow makes me less afraid that there is a spider in my pop.